you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
