Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
