My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
