Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
