My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
