don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
