3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
