It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
