Moan for me like Helen Keller
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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