if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
