Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
