This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
