got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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