it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
FUCK WHALES
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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