sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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