Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
