I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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