genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
