I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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