Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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