I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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