Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
