My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
