mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
