I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
