If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
