I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
