I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
