I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
