Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
