Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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