her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
and you fell through a lawn chair
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
