My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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