ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
