Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
