Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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