the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
