dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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