the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
