Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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