A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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