who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
