Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
