all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
