I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
