oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
