We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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