when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
