there was a trapeze. enough said
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
