Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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