moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
